A Note To Amore Mio On Missing Love

Where is Love?

When two people are in love, one never defines the other. They see what the other is and yet do not start to define the other. They need not even understand why the other is the way s/he is, yet they know the other person’s struggles and apprehensions. They do not impose their own understanding of how things should be, having full faith that the other person is doing what can be done best, considering the prevailing situation. None has to struggle to be good enough for the other. None has to fight to change the other. If at all one insists, it is only because s/he is driven by the urge to help the other, to benefit the other. Such actions are not motivated by the benefits that may accrue to one’s own self. Love is more about acceptance and sacrifice than about trying to achieve something. That is true love in my understanding.

Neither, I am a student of love or romance, nor I aim to be one. But it is something that is intrinsic to all humans and must surely mean a lot, because, probably, that is why so much is said about love. Most of which is vague for me, though.

Now the question – are we in love? I do not really understand this part. If yes, why do I feel that I will be judged? If yes, why is it that I cannot be accepted the way I am? Yes, I am aware that I am a little dry in expressing myself and I have wry humour which does not appeal to most. I know that I neglect some issues which matter most. If yes, why has it become a struggle to have a normal conversation without me feeling that I will be told what is wrong with what I do or how I do it? If yes, why is it that I experience a certain pressure to put up my best self, knowing fully well that nothing is really hidden (I believe this to be true). If so, why do I feel guilty of not doing enough? If yes, why is it that we spend less time talking and sharing our lives? If yes, why do I feel that when we talk next, it is either going to be small talk and lack the depth, which love allows? Or, is it that we have now reached a state of “nothing new”? There are no more surprising things that may happen to keep the fire kindling? 

I know pretty well, what I am and what my limitations are, but I also know equally well, what I am not. I think that I enjoy the benefit of age and experience to be sure about this. But there are moments which make me cringe and get into a shell of sorts – for there there is no one else with whom I can share such things. At those moments, I do not experience love, possibly no one can. It is a certain loneliness and anxiety which, at times, I find it difficult to take in my stride. I do not want to justify myself or to struggle to be someone whom I am not, I just want to be me. I think as one accumulates years in life, something becomes stiff and rigid. Oak trees can be bent when they are young and vulnerable, old ones are neither easy to be brought down nor are they flexible. Maybe, just being me and rigidly so is the part you do not like. Maybe, you do not understand me. Maybe, I am too full of myself, I do not know. There are far too many maybes with which I struggle. But I do understand that urge in you to change me. It is for the bigger good of both of us.

I miss feeling loved. I miss not being judged. I miss not struggling to put out my best self. I miss being myself. I miss not being accused of neglect. I miss the simple talk. I miss the easy laughter. I miss being free from worldly struggles. I miss just smiling for nothing. Yes, a lot has changed. I am now experiencing it. I am so must you be experiencing it, in equal measures, for your own reasons. Maybe you are right when you say that I have changed. But, is it entirely me to be blamed? Or is it the natural course of life that things change? I am not too sure about that. I have my own struggles and challenges like you have. We have our own monsters to fight. I only wish to hold your hand as we wade through our worlds, hoping for better times ahead as we create memorable ones in the present. My respect for you has grown over time. My respect for my own self seems to be diminishing. Especially, when I hear some words which make me feel that I am not good enough and therefore I need to change. Not that these have been told in as many words but that is how I interpret some part of what is often said to me. I feel a sense of inadequacy in me which you are experiencing. Something in me is not good enough which makes you tell me again and again that I must change.

As time goes by, life will outgrow us. It would become more and more difficult to keep pace with the changing times. A time will come when we will have to stop chasing to keep up and just be ourselves. Maybe then, love will have a chance to be experienced again. The nutrition needed for love to flourish would be the memories we create today. The question that I hear the loudest is this – are we creating those memories today? If we do not create those memories today, then on what will love thrive on in the future? Other than of course,  the unyielding spirit to love and be loved.  Will the spirit alone suffice? I think not.

Till we start snatching out moments from the present to create memories to cherish, I feel it pertinent to ask this question – where is love?